Daily Fear, Worry, & Anxiety
Years ago, I never thought I would be in a group of people with a G-Tube, let alone dependent on it for my day-to-day living. Life changes so fast; sometimes, it’s all we can do but grasp whatever faith holds us together at the seams. It started with a significant double bowel blockage over two years ago. Nothing new. DIOS (distal intestinal obstruction syndrome) and CF (Cystic Fibrosis) go hand in hand together, and I’ve experienced this my entire life. But this time, something was different; something caused my bowels to be non-cooperative from then on.
Life changes so fast; sometimes, it’s all we can do but grasp whatever faith holds us together at the seams.
From there, I learned to drop my own NG tube so that I could give myself strong medication at home to keep me out of the hospital. And let me tell you what, dropping an NG tube on yourself is no picnic. But all of a sudden, fear began to paralyze me. Fear in the medical community for those of us who struggle with chronic illness is nothing new. However, some of us have specific fears. Mine all happen to be centered around specific things. One of them is that you can put almost any medical device into my body but take it out, and I’m paralyzed with fear, dread, and heavy anxiety. And dropping my own NG tube was when all this fear came rushing back head-on. But not inside hospital walls as usual … inside my own home. That. Was. New. I realized this fear didn’t just “live” inside the hospital walls like I thought it did. It lived at home, too.
I have tried for years to prevent it, pray through and over it, and am still gripped by it.
I have a genuine fear of major (or semi-major, depending on your view of things) items being removed from my body: PICC lines, NG tubes, and now my MIC-KEY button. Smaller items: my OmniPod, Dexcom, IVs, etc … those things have never bothered me. But the “bigger items” – yep. Not so easy for me. Every time one of these needs to be pulled, I face genuine fear, anxiety, and dread. It is not something I can control either. I have tried for years to prevent it, pray through and over it, and am still gripped by it. I have had some of the very best nurses in the world hold my hand as they pulled PICC lines to help me get through and overcome my anxiety. After every time it’s done, I always think: “That wasn’t so bad.” But I still have trouble facing the removal of those things.
Here’s the thing: I could take meds for it to calm me down for that brief moment in time, and I have even been offered medical intervention for the overwhelming anxiety. But these times last only seconds, and for me, it’s a matter of mind over matter. And usually, I can muster myself, poise my body, strengthen my mind, and get through it. That’s not always the case for most, I know. And needing medical help when you just can’t get through it doesn’t make you weak or incapable, it means you have trauma, medically induced trauma from years of things being done to your body.
So tonight, due to another broken MIC-KEY button, I knew I was in safe hands, the hands of my beloved husband. He’s gentle, kind, and ready to face my fears right alongside me. As he prayed for me, over my anxiety and troubled mind and heart, he handed me a stuffed animal … me, a woman well over 40. But he knew I needed to be calmed. He spoke to me with reassurance and soothing words, reminding me that my fear wasn’t as strong as me. It was time to let go. And with my faith in God, and trust in my husband’s hands, my MIC-KEY button (G-Tube) was out before I could even breathe again.
If you struggle with anxiety, even before the mundane and simple things of your illness, know that you are not alone. We all struggle at times. We never get to escape the ‘chronic’ part of our disease. It’s always there. Know that in your daily struggle with your illness, you are seen, felt, and heard.
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